Have you ever felt like a stranger in your own life? Like the decisions you make, the way you show up, or even the emotions you feel don’t truly represent who you are? For many of us, this disconnection has become a way of life. It’s what happens when we drift away from the core of who we are – a gradual passive process called self-loss.
Self-loss creeps in when we deny parts of ourselves – our needs, desires, and feelings – in favor of others’ expectations or societal norms. When we shift our loyalty from who we are to somebody else, into other people. Over time, this leads to a painful disconnection – we lose touch with ourselves, becoming strangers within. You might notice it as a lack of intention, a sense of inauthenticity, or a feeling of misalignment with your life.You don’t feel connected to yourself, your choices, or even people around you. Perhaps you can relate to this: I´ve tried to be somebody, someone I´m not, just to feel loved, to belong, or to feel safe. At its root, self-loss stems from our fundamental need for love, belonging, and security.
From a young age, we learn that to be loved and accepted, we must fit in. As children, we face a conflict between two central emotional needs:
Authenticity – to express ourselves as we truly are.
Belonging – to be loved and supported.
When these needs clash, we instinctively prioritize belonging. After all, we depend on the love and care of our parents and caregivers for survival. But the cost of this survival strategy is steep: we begin to suppress parts of ourselves that are not recognized, valued, or accepted.This pattern often follows us into adulthood. We become skilled at meeting the expectations of others, sometimes so much so that we lose sight of who we really are – often even without noticing it.
How Self-loss shows up
Self-loss manifests in many ways:
- Inconsistent actions that don’t reflect who we are or aspire to be.
- Unaligned decisions driven by fear of rejection or a desire for approval.
- Suppressed desires and needs that leave us feeling empty and unfulfilled.
- Shame and avoidance, which prevent self-expression and personal growth.
This estrangement from our authentic selves keeps us stuck in a cycle of passivity, dissatisfaction, and disconnection. Self-loss is in a sense a failed responsibility to be yourself. It’s time to reclaim that responsibility—by reconnecting with your authentic self.
The Journey Back to your Authentic Self
Authenticity is finding a place within you. It is a space where your doubting ends and your grounding starts. You have hit the depths within. A sense of heavy goodness, embodiment, a sense of feeling home, a feeling of pleasure – a pleasure from within.
“This is me, as I choose to be at this moment.” That’s the essence of authenticity: owning yourself fully. Ask yourself: What do you want ownership of? What actions are gonna lead you to bring you closer to who you want to be or the life you want? To the essence of who you truly are?
Philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre once said that authenticity means “to accept the full weight of your freedom.” It’s not always easy. Every choice we make carries the responsibility of shaping the person we are becoming. Ask yourself:
- Does this choice align with who I truly am?
- Does it reflect how I see myself or how I want to show up in the world?
- Am I showing up in a way that feels aligned, intentional, and true to me?
It’s never too late to rediscover yourself, and the right time to start is now, in this very moment.
BE BOLD
Living authentically takes courage. It means facing yourself honestly, taking responsibility for your choices, and committing to decisions that are not just easy but meaningful.
Erich Fromm, a psychoanalyst and philosopher, saw authenticity as the key to a fulfilling life. He challenged us to ask: “Who thinks when I think, who feels when I feel, who acts when I act?” His challenge was clear: Are your thoughts, feelings, and actions truly your own, or are they shaped by societal expectations or the desire for approval?
Approval and alignment with societal norms may give you a sense of safety, but this safety is fragile and external. True independence and boldness arise when you develop a deep, unshakable sense of inner safety. With that safety from within, stepping into bold, authentic living becomes naturlly easier.
How to cultivate Inner Safety
True safety and grounding come from within. There’s no greater sense of security than feeling safe in who you are. When you feel safe from within, you are less dependent on external validation and better equipped to navigate the complexities of life. However, our sense of self is shaped not only by our internal world but also by how we interact with the external world. To understand this dynamic, let’s explore two essential components of self-perception:
The Inner Mirror – How you see and experience yourself.
The Outer Mirror – How others see and reflect you back.
Sometimes these mirrors don’t match, and that can be painful. Society might not reflect back who you think you are, or people close to you might misinterpret your intentions. It is also possible that the way you see yourself isn’t accurate. This mismatch can feel disorienting, but it’s also an opportunity for growth. You can learn how to nurture and protect your sense of self.
Curate Your Outer Circle: Surround yourself with people who genuinely see you—those who are open, honest, and vulnerable enough to reflect back your true self. A supportive partner, friend, or community can serve as a valuable mirror, helping you better understand and affirm who you are. Authenticity only feels safe around authenticity.
Strengthen your Inner Pole: Build a deep connection with yourself through practices like self-reflection, mindfulness, and sensual bodywork or movement, such as yoga, dance, or self-pleasuring. When you feel grounded in who you are, you’re less likely to be swayed by inaccurate or harmful reflections from the outer world.
When working with clients, I guide them in cultivating inner safety and discovering pleasure from within. Together we identify areas where they feel most disconnected— whether mentally, emotionally, or physically. For some, it’s about clearing mental clutter and releasing outdated beliefs. For others, it’s about reconnecting with their emotions or their bodies. All of these pathways lead back to a deeper, more authentic sense of self. Interested in exploring this further? Join my workshop on Pleasure-Management: https://www.pleasurepsychology.com/workshops/
Building your sense of self—and even your sexual self—requires active engagement. Passivity leads to stagnation. For example, shame is one of the biggest blockers of authenticity; it deactivates us, keeps us small, and prevents personal growth. Shame is the enemy of pleasure.
But when you confront your shame and start embracing your authentic self, something transformative happens and it starts the moment you decide to bet on yourself. You begin to feel pleasure—not just as a fleeting sensation, but as a profound alignment with yourself and the universe. This pleasure is not external; it’s a deep, internal joy that radiates through every aspect of your life – it is pleasure from within.
Pause and Reflect
So, take a moment to ask yourself:
Who am I, really?
How can I show up more fully for that person today?
Authenticity begins with small, intentional steps. Whether it is clearing mental clutter, expressing your emotions, or strengthening your connection to your body, every action brings you closer to the Deep You.
Reconnecting with your authentic self isn´t just a journey; it’s a commitment to live boldly and reclaim pleasure that comes from within.
Stay true. Stay bold. Stay you.
Big Love & Pleasure from Allgäu,
Mia O
