A Loving Guide to Change: How to Shake up Your Family System

shaking woman with flowers

Family systems shape us in ways we often don’t realize—until we’re stuck in patterns we can’t break. As a psychologist, I see this every day, not just in my clients but also in myself and my friends. Who among us doesn’t carry unresolved issues with their family of origin, whether we’re aware of them or not? We often hope our families will respond differently this time, but the truth is, patterns don’t take time off – even in the holiday season. Now is the time to shake things up and embrace loving change.

Two Systems: Inner and Outer

When we talk about systems, we need to differentiate between two key types:
 
1. The Inner System: These are the different parts of yourself, like the inner critic, the taskmaster, or the pleasure-seeker. Each part has its own voice and agenda.
2. The Outer System: This refers to external structures like your family, workplace, or other groups you’re part of.
 
These two systems don’t exist in isolation—they interact constantly. For example, your inner critic might echo the critical voice of your mother. For now, I want to focus on one aspect of the outer system: the family system.

The Holiday Conundrum: Love and Challenges

The holiday season—often called the “feast of love”—is a good example. For many, it’s a time filled with joy, connection, and delicious food. But for just as many, it’s also a season of stress and crisis. Family gatherings have a way of reactivating old dynamics, and suddenly, we’re back in roles we thought we’d outgrown.

You probably know what I’m talking about:

  • Unresolved wounds from childhood that still linger.
  • Unspoken family rules that shape your behavior, often unconsciously.
  • Falling back into roles you neither want nor enjoy.

Roles in Family Systems

placeholder

In any group, including families, everyone develops certain roles. These roles often help us gain love, belonging, or a sense of security, but we don’t always choose them consciously. Here are a few examples:

  • The Princess: The one who’s always at the center of attention.
  • The Rebel: The one who breaks the rules and seems to get away with it.
  • The Perfect Child: The one who always does what’s expected and strives to please.
  • The Scapegoat: The one who feels like they’re always in the wrong, no matter what they do.

And more. Some people feel comfortable in their roles. But for many, these roles can feel restrictive. The problem is that family dynamics operate below the level of conscious awareness, making it hard to break free.

What Can You Do?

heart leave

If you want to change your role or the dynamic with your family, here’s my advice: disrupt the system—with love. In systemic psychotherapy, we call this creating an “irritation”: doing something unexpected that shakes things up.

Here are some examples:

  • If you’re usually the quiet one: Stand up and say something meaningful. Share your thoughts, even if it feels uncomfortable.
  • If you’re the family fixer: Step back. Let someone else take charge while you relax – or at least try to relax.
  • If you’re the pleaser: Set a boundary and let others know what you need.

The Power of Disrupting Patterns

A family is a self-organizing system that resists change to maintain balance. But introducing a small, loving disruption forces the system to adapt. This can open the door to healthier dynamics.

That said, disrupting the system isn’t easy. You might feel torn between your loyalty to your family and your desire to be true to yourself. After all, we all want to belong, to feel loved, and to stay safe. But the most intimate relationship you have is the one with yourself. So always be loyal to yourself first.

From Stress to Pleasure

Old family patterns don’t just cause emotional stress; they also affect your body’s ability to relax and experience pleasure. Here’s why:

When unresolved dynamics resurface, your body often goes into stress response mode:

  • Fight: You lash out.
  • Flight: You avoid.
  • Freeze: You shut down.
  • Please: You appease to keep the peace.

These responses block your capacity for connection and joy. Breaking free from old patterns can help you reclaim your ability to feel relaxed and present.

Set Yourself Free

pexels anete lusina 4792361

This holiday season, take responsibility for your experience. Interrupt the pattern. Step out of your old role and do something new—something that’s authentic to who you are today. When you release old dynamics, you create space for:

  • More connection
  • More joy
  • More pleasure

As I like to say it as a sex coach: f*ck the system—with love, of course. Because you deserve to be seen and loved for who you really are, not the role you’ve been playing for years.

Next time, give yourself and your family the gift of authenticity.

Stay true. Stay bold. Stay you.

Big Love & Pleasure from somewhere between Munich and Bremen,

Mia O

placeholder
pinterest image

related articles

  • title of article and link
  • title of article and link
  • title of article and link
  • title of article and link
  • title of article and link