Almost there.
Your breathing quickens. You can feel something building. Then a thought creeps in:
Surely it should be happening by now.
You check how close you are. You can tell the other person is waiting. Maybe you try a little harder. And right then, the feeling starts to fade.
It’s like someone turning on the lights at the best part of a film and asking how much longer it’s going to take.
If you’re wondering why you can’t reach orgasm, it helps to notice when it’s difficult. Is it when you’re alone, with someone else, or with a particular kind of touch? Has something changed recently? Pressure, shame, the way you’re touched and changes in your body can all play a part.
There’s no one right way to have an orgasm
Some women come quickly. Others take longer. Some only have orgasms on their own, with a particular kind of touch or in certain situations. Some have never had one. Others notice that their orgasms are less frequent or less intense than they used to be.
All of these experiences can fall under the label orgasm difficulties. They don’t all mean the same thing.
And an orgasm that doesn’t happen isn’t necessarily a problem. Sex can be intimate, pleasurable and satisfying without a climax. What matters is whether it bothers you, whether you feel under pressure or whether something you used to enjoy has changed and you miss it. The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) describes different kinds of orgasm difficulties and notes that some people find sex fulfilling without orgasm. Read more at ACOG
You don’t need an orgasm to prove the sex was good.
When your inner critic gets into bed with you
Instead of noticing the warmth, the rhythm or how turned on you feel, you’re keeping track of your progress. Are they getting tired? Am I taking too long? Is my body responding the way it should? Is this going to be another night when nothing happens?
You go from feeling to checking.
In a study of 1,619 women, getting distracted by self-critical thoughts during sex was associated with less sexual pleasure and more difficulties with sexual functioning. Those distractions included worries about appearance or performance, as well as feeling embarrassed. Read the study on PubMed
That doesn’t mean every stray thought gets in the way of an orgasm. But “just relax” can start to sound like one more thing you have to get right, even when you’re the one saying it.
Sometimes the touch just isn’t right for you
Part of the answer might be in the touch itself.
Maybe it’s too brief, too direct or changes too often. The pace shifts just as it’s starting to feel good. Maybe you know what you like when you’re alone but feel awkward showing someone else. Or perhaps you’ve rarely had time to explore your body without feeling rushed.
Trying harder won’t make the wrong kind of touch feel right. Sometimes what helps is getting a little more specific about what you like.
That might mean staying with one kind of touch a little longer. Guiding the other person’s hand. Bringing in a toy. Saying, “Right there. Please don’t go faster.” ACOG mentions allowing more time, trying different kinds of touch, using fantasy or trying a sex toy as things that may help. There’s no guarantee. But neither of you has to read the other’s mind. See ACOG’s suggestions
Why can I come on my own but not with someone else?
It can be especially confusing when you know you can come. So why is it different with someone else?
Maybe you have more time when you’re alone. You don’t keep changing the way you touch yourself. No one’s waiting. You don’t have to give feedback, so you can stay with what you’re feeling.
Being with someone can bring a lovely sense of connection. It can also mean being watched, feeling embarrassed, wondering what they expect or worrying that you’ll disappoint them.
Some women make more noise, move more or act more turned on than they feel because they don’t want the mood to drop. Keeping that up can take so much attention that there’s hardly any left for what actually feels good.
The fact that it’s different on your own doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with your relationship. It gives you both something to go on: what already helps you feel good on your own and what might be missing when you’re together. If you often find yourself watching how you come across, I write more about that in Shame During Sex.
Your body is part of the picture, too
Health conditions, procedures in the pelvic area and medicines such as some antidepressants can also affect how you experience sex. ACOG’s overview of sexual health
An international consensus paper on orgasm difficulties recommends a careful assessment, since the same approach won’t suit everyone. Read the International Society for Sexual Medicine consensus paper
If your experience of orgasm has changed suddenly, you’ve noticed numbness, pain or other physical symptoms, or you think it could be related to medication, an illness or surgery, talk to a doctor. Don’t stop or change any medication on your own.
A medical assessment can help you understand what might be going on physically. There’s still room to ask what sex feels like for you: whether you feel watched, whether you feel able to show what you want, or whether you’re busy trying not to disappoint the other person.
What happens when orgasm stops being the assignment?
Letting go of orgasm as a goal can quickly turn into another assignment: Whatever I do, I mustn’t think about coming.
That’s the same pressure in a softer sweater.
You’re allowed to want to come. You’re allowed to be curious about it. Each touch can feel good in its own right, even if it doesn’t tell you how close you are.
What does this feel like right now, if you don’t have to give it a score? Would you like more of it, less or something else? Is your body softening or bracing? Are you still enjoying it, or have you started working?
Maybe you come. Maybe you feel a clear no. Maybe it feels good without a climax. In each case, you’ve noticed something about what you’re feeling instead of keeping track of the result.
Your body isn’t being difficult
Many women I speak with almost apologise for needing time.
Needing time doesn’t mean anything is broken. Needing a particular kind of touch isn’t asking too much. And not having an orgasm doesn’t make you any less sexual.
As a psychologist, I’m interested in what an orgasm means to you in that moment. Maybe it’s supposed to show that you enjoyed the sex. Maybe you want to reassure the other person. Or maybe you notice how quickly “I didn’t come” turns into “there’s something wrong with me.”
It can be a relief to notice those expectations and understand where they come from. You might realise how much attention you’re giving to whether the other person is having a good time. Then you can ask: What am I feeling? What would feel good to me right now? Do I feel able to show that?
Maybe change starts when you catch yourself checking a little sooner. That gives you a moment to pause and find out what actually feels good to you.
If you’d like to understand how pressure, shame or expectations affect your experience of sex, we can explore that together in sex coaching for women in Munich and online.
Big Love & Pleasure from the Allgäu,
Mia O